Do This, Not That!

So, I often find myself spending entirely too much time on the computer.  Apparently sitting in front of one at work, at school, and for my business ventures isn't enough to keep me away from my internet box.  When I have free time, I have an urge and tendency to waste it browsing tumblr, Facebook, imgur or my email instead of doing something (ANYTHING!) productive.

I have quite a few goals that I could pursue instead but yet I find myself wasting time all too often.  I need to stop.  But why do I always do this?

I tell myself I'm bored.  Or maybe, I'm boring.  Eff.  That's exactly what I don't want to be.  Boring.  What an ugly word.

199/365 - Stop Being Boring

John Berger, an art critic, novelist, painter and poet said, "Is boredom anything less than the sense of one's faculties slowly dying?"

I don't want my faculties to die.  So I did what I do best.  I made a list.

Instead of idling my time away, I will do one of these things instead.  If I have a moment of weakness where I want to check my Google Reader for the 5th 10th time in one day, I will do one of these things instead.

So here it is, my "Do This, Not That" List:

  1. Exercise
  2. Study French
  3. Design a greeting card
  4. Draw Characters of/from
    1. Favorite movies
    2. Everyday life
    3. Celebrities
    4. Musicians
    5. Imagination
  5. Write a poem
    1. Haiku
    2. Limerick
    3. Rubiyat
    4. Sonnet
    5. Free form
  6. Write an editorial piece about a current event
  7. Read a book
  8. Try a new recipe
  9. Take a walk
  10. Make a clothes pin character
  11. Think of a theme and take 10 photos
  12. Practice a musical instrument
  13. Meditate
  14. Draw a comic of yourself
  15. Make a collage.
  16. Design a product
    1. Realistic
    2. Fantastical
  17. Mold something out of clay
  18. Plan an outing
  19. Design a tattoo
  20. Call a friend to catch up
  21. Illustrate an inspiring quote
  22. Learn about a philosophical movement
  23. Draw a portrait
  24. Pick two nouns and an adjective & write a short story
  25. Study Religious Texts
    1. Dhammapada
    2. Qu’ran
    3. Bible
    4. Torah
    5. Mahabharata
  26. Give yourself a spa treatment
  27. Create a new font
  28. Design print material for potential client
  29. Find a piece of art to reproduce
  30. Draw a graffiti version of your name
  31. Bake something from scratch
  32. Detail clean something
  33. Make a paper doll + outfits
  34. Paper mache a mask
  35. Write about a significant moment in your life
  36. Make a mini-photo album complete with absurd captions
  37. Print out a picture.  Deface it. Embellish it.
  38. Write a dialogue between two unlikely characters.
  39. Work on a coloring book.
  40. Dream up a successful business endeavor.
  41. Sew a pillowcase
  42. Experiment with watercolors
  43. Brush up on a subject.
  44. Refile/Reorganize/Tidy up something.
  45. Sketch 5 things around you.
  46. Outline a debate on a topic.
  47. Do MENSA mind challenges.
  48. Make a feltie.
  49. Practice drawing a body part.
  50. Make a new list of things to do.  Then do it.

Now it's your turn!

"How To Be More Attractive" or "How to Be Less Ugly," A Ladies Guide:

Not everyone can be beautiful, but you can definitely be less ugly with five simple rules: 1.   Wear clothes your size.

This doesn’t mean squeezing yourself into the smallest size possible, this means wearing the size that fits you. “But I am a size four!” you insist.  You’re not.  You’re making yourself look like a heifer.  Muffin tops are not attractive.  And if your shirt sticks to your belly like cling wrap on a jellyroll, that’s a problem.  Ladies who wear Bebe two sizes too small, I’m talking to you.  Cut it out.

 On the other hand, don’t wear clothes that are too big.  If you think it makes you look smaller, you’re kidding yourself.  A hippo in a baggie sweater is not magically a gazelle--it’s still a damn hippo.  If your size XXXXXXL sweatshirt is your go-to article of clothing, I’m concerned for your physical and mental well-being. Leave your insecurity blanket at home. When it comes to pants, no one looks good with a drop crotch and a sagging seat.  If you disagree, stop reading since I assume you need room for a penis and if you like the pancake-butt look, you’re beyond help.

Your nominal size is irrelevant.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a 2 or 20; you’re not doing yourself any favors if you’re delusional.

2.   Wear appropriate clothes.

There’s two parts: Dress for your age and dress for the occasion.

Your closet says a lot about you.  If it looks like a teenage boy’s closet and you’re a twenty something woman, that’s a problem.  If you wear yoga pants everywhere you go, that’s a problem.  If you’re approaching or are in your 30’s and get fashion inspiration from Seventeen magazine, that’s a problem.

Nothing ages you more than dressing inappropriately for your age.  Don’t worry about trying to look young, worry about looking good...or at least not ugly.  There is such a thing as too tight, too short, and too trendy.  Bad fashion is like crack, just say no.

Dress for the occasion.  Don’t be the dumb broad who wears heels at the gym (I’ve seen this!).  Don’t wear a t-shirt and jeans to a nice dinner (if the Golden Corral is your idea of a “nice dinner”, stop reading). Don’t wear pajamas in public.  EVER.

If you think you can wear the same outfit to any and every occasion, you’re either wrong or Amish.

A few notes:

1. Uggs are always inappropriate.  Always.

2. Wearing designer labels doesn’t mean you’re well dressed.

3. Eurotrash fashion is a baaaaad choice.

3.   Handle your face.

First things first, EYEBROWS MATTER.  They frame your face.  Your face may be a masterpiece by Michelangelo but in an effed up frame, no one cares.  This can be the difference between looking decent and looking atrocious.

What bad eyebrows say about you:

  • Untamed: Hot mess who doesn’t care.
  • Over-plucked: (and uncorrected): This is what I call the “wish I was classy, but really I’m trashy” look.  It brings to mind streetwalkers or meth heads.  If you find that to be a compliment, stop reading.
  • Sharpied: “I don’t give a fuck and I will fuck you up.” Unless the rest of your look includes crispy perm hair, a bandana, dramatically lined lips, a teardrop tattoo and wife beater, don’t do this.  (Don’t cut me.)

  • Overarched: I’m a villainess. Or a circus clown. Or both.

 If you don’t care about anything else on your face, care about your eyebrows.  Keep them in good shape.  Be good to them.  You will be less ugly.  Promise.

Compared to the eyebrows, the rest of the face is cake.  Balance is key.  If you wear makeup, don’t over do it.  If you look like a raccoon after applying your eye-makeup, that’s a problem.  Frosted lipstick is a problem. Too much makeup is a problem—the world is not a nightclub.

Final word:  Even out your complexion.  I don’t care if you hate makeup, just do it.  You will look infinitely better. Even if you spend an hour doing your makeup and neglect to even out your skin, just crawl back into bed.  Everyone is better off that way.

4.   Hair Matters.

 Your hair sets a tone.  Sometimes that tone is, “I’m a whore,” or “I’m boring,” or “ I’m lazy.”

Whatever you do, your hair should be shiny, groomed and ideally, be styled. A ponytail everyday is a problem. Fast and loose everyday is a problem.  Not trimming split ends is a problem. Overgrown roots are a problem. Invest in a comb. Do it.

5.   Attitude is Everything.

 Okay, it’s not really everything.  Appearance matters (If that’s news to you, you should have stopped reading a long time ago).  This doesn’t mean you have to be society's notion of pretty, just be put-together (see 1-4).  But attitude counts. You can be outwardly attractive and have a bad attitude that makes you ugly.

Bottom line: Don’t be a bitch.  It’s not a good look.

Go forth and be less ugly!

An Open Letter to College Students

Dear College Students (under the age of 25, or those lacking maturity thereof):

For most of you, I know I am a decade or more your senior, which in your book makes me near-ancient, uncool, and seemingly (truly) grumpy in comparison. My background and disposition admitted, it should come as no surprise that you all annoy me and had I knowledge of black magic, I would make you all turnips or sew your mouths shut or dismember your thumbs. Yeah, something like that.

Granted, had I finished college in a more timely manner I would be not in a situation wherein I am constantly aggravated, annoyed and enraged by your behavior. Instead, I would only have to face that at the workplace, where admittedly it only gets a little better and trangressions are more covert and if not, I am paid a sum of money per hour at the very least. Instead, I have to bear your company AND pay for it. I'm actually grateful that I'm an older college student. Nothing seems challenging, it's all seemingly remedial and when I actually learn something new, it's gratifying and interesting. I don't take it for granted. I don't have to be taught what the "real-world" is like or "real-world" applications, I already live in it. When I get my college degree, I will already have 10+ years of experience on top that over-priced piece of paper. I promise you that your college degree at 22 won't match my college degree at...(ahem) my more advanced age. So suck it.

I digress.

Truly, youth is wasted on the young. Instead of being eager, young minds hungry for knowledge, you're dim-witted tweeters, resting your damn cell phones on your lap as if no one notices you're not paying attention. You're dumb. I notice. If you have somewhere better to be, go there. Otherwise, I promise that no one really cares about your facebook statuses. You will survive without your phone for an hour and fifteen minutes. Yes, your significant other is probably cheating on you--you don't need a text to confirm it. No, I don't find your Justin Bieber backpack amusing or ironic, I find it vacuous just like that space between your ears. You look absurd with your full-face of makeup paired with sweat pants and Uggs or your skinny-yet-sagging jeans. You disgust me.

Working with you in groups is like babysitting baboons. But then again, even baboons are productive; they pick lice off of each other's heads. You barely can keep your head off the desk or stare vacantly into space. Comparing answers doesn't mean you copy my answers onto your blank sheet. Discussions aren't composed of "Umm...". I'm not the professor, if you don't get it, I'm not explaining it to you. I don't relate to you about how lame school is or how you couldn't get the homework done because you drank too much. Rookie.

Let me paint your a picture: Imagine yourself ten years from now. You're "old" (read: my age). You work in a non-descript office, doing menial work for an insignificant wage. You're either miserable or (still) terribly stupid. "How did I end up here?" you ask yourself, "I majored in business! I'm a college graduate!" Alas, you're still an idiot. And always will be.

Do yourself a favor and take advantage of the opportunity to learn something (anything) while you're in class or do me a favor and piss off.

Resentfully yours,

Ask Esses

Forget Dear Abby and ask Esses instead!

I'll be your virtual life coach, disapproving mother, voice of reason, devil's advocate, fee-free therapist or bad influence.  Just think of me as your (unqualified) expert on all matters!

Why should I ask you for advice, you wonder?  There's no good reason. Maybe you'll get a good laugh.

What I can tell you is that you can ask anything  and it's completely anonymous.  I'll answer questions with honesty (and maybe a bit of sarcasm and a dash of humor).

Ask and you shall receive:

[contact-form subject="DOS ESSES Ask Esses" to=""] [contact-field label="Question, Dilemma, or Predicament (real or imagined):" type="textarea" required="true" /] [contact-field label="Nickname" type="text" required="true" /] [/contact-form]