I've often said I don't want to have kids. But secretly I do imagine having a little girl that's a carbon copy of myself--only smarter, prettier, and more successful (whatever that means) while not being a creep of a mother who lives vicariously through her child and causes years of therapy. While carrying a parasite on my insides for 9 months (too harsh? see, I'm unfit for children...) seems like an eternity to me and the idea of giving birth would make me voluntarily pull my own teeth out instead, there is that certain part of me that still thinks, "maybe." I'll blame that on biology.
Often times when I tell people I'm (most likely) not going to have kids, their response is almost always, "but your kids would be so cute!" Cuteness doesn't make up for lost sleep, dirty diapers, temper tantrums and a lost sense of identity. I'm not naysaying all the parents out there or anyone's choice to have children. Hell, I do believe that YOUR lives are more fulfilled, enriched and complete with kids--that your capacity of love has exponentially increased in ways that you didn't think were possible (or so I've been told). I say this with no amount of sarcasm: Good for you. I just think it may not be right for ME.
But considering everything my psychic said has eerily rang true thus far, it may be in the cards for me anyway. Well technically, she told my husband she saw kids in his future--so I like to think that provides me with a convenient out.
If I were to indulge in a fantasy world wherein I do have a little girl, I imagine her dressed like the adorable Alia Wang:
Maybe my want to give something "good" to the world will result in having a child. Maybe said child wouldn't be crushed by the tremendous expectation that I as an Asian-ish mother inherently would harbor. Maybe she'll be bright, caring, worldly, intellectual and funny, strong but not hardened, and do something to make a lasting impact and difference in the world. Then again, instead she may bring about the end of days, be a cheerleader or socially conservative.
That's a gamble I'm not ready to take.
Maybe it really comes down to the fact that I want to have a wardrobe as chic as Alia Wang's. Or have Alexander Wang be my uncle.