"How To Be More Attractive" or "How to Be Less Ugly," A Ladies Guide:

Not everyone can be beautiful, but you can definitely be less ugly with five simple rules: 1.   Wear clothes your size.

This doesn’t mean squeezing yourself into the smallest size possible, this means wearing the size that fits you. “But I am a size four!” you insist.  You’re not.  You’re making yourself look like a heifer.  Muffin tops are not attractive.  And if your shirt sticks to your belly like cling wrap on a jellyroll, that’s a problem.  Ladies who wear Bebe two sizes too small, I’m talking to you.  Cut it out.

 On the other hand, don’t wear clothes that are too big.  If you think it makes you look smaller, you’re kidding yourself.  A hippo in a baggie sweater is not magically a gazelle--it’s still a damn hippo.  If your size XXXXXXL sweatshirt is your go-to article of clothing, I’m concerned for your physical and mental well-being. Leave your insecurity blanket at home. When it comes to pants, no one looks good with a drop crotch and a sagging seat.  If you disagree, stop reading since I assume you need room for a penis and if you like the pancake-butt look, you’re beyond help.

Your nominal size is irrelevant.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a 2 or 20; you’re not doing yourself any favors if you’re delusional.

2.   Wear appropriate clothes.

There’s two parts: Dress for your age and dress for the occasion.

Your closet says a lot about you.  If it looks like a teenage boy’s closet and you’re a twenty something woman, that’s a problem.  If you wear yoga pants everywhere you go, that’s a problem.  If you’re approaching or are in your 30’s and get fashion inspiration from Seventeen magazine, that’s a problem.

Nothing ages you more than dressing inappropriately for your age.  Don’t worry about trying to look young, worry about looking good...or at least not ugly.  There is such a thing as too tight, too short, and too trendy.  Bad fashion is like crack, just say no.

Dress for the occasion.  Don’t be the dumb broad who wears heels at the gym (I’ve seen this!).  Don’t wear a t-shirt and jeans to a nice dinner (if the Golden Corral is your idea of a “nice dinner”, stop reading). Don’t wear pajamas in public.  EVER.

If you think you can wear the same outfit to any and every occasion, you’re either wrong or Amish.

A few notes:

1. Uggs are always inappropriate.  Always.

2. Wearing designer labels doesn’t mean you’re well dressed.

3. Eurotrash fashion is a baaaaad choice.

3.   Handle your face.

First things first, EYEBROWS MATTER.  They frame your face.  Your face may be a masterpiece by Michelangelo but in an effed up frame, no one cares.  This can be the difference between looking decent and looking atrocious.

What bad eyebrows say about you:

  • Untamed: Hot mess who doesn’t care.
  • Over-plucked: (and uncorrected): This is what I call the “wish I was classy, but really I’m trashy” look.  It brings to mind streetwalkers or meth heads.  If you find that to be a compliment, stop reading.
  • Sharpied: “I don’t give a fuck and I will fuck you up.” Unless the rest of your look includes crispy perm hair, a bandana, dramatically lined lips, a teardrop tattoo and wife beater, don’t do this.  (Don’t cut me.)

  • Overarched: I’m a villainess. Or a circus clown. Or both.

 If you don’t care about anything else on your face, care about your eyebrows.  Keep them in good shape.  Be good to them.  You will be less ugly.  Promise.

Compared to the eyebrows, the rest of the face is cake.  Balance is key.  If you wear makeup, don’t over do it.  If you look like a raccoon after applying your eye-makeup, that’s a problem.  Frosted lipstick is a problem. Too much makeup is a problem—the world is not a nightclub.

Final word:  Even out your complexion.  I don’t care if you hate makeup, just do it.  You will look infinitely better. Even if you spend an hour doing your makeup and neglect to even out your skin, just crawl back into bed.  Everyone is better off that way.

4.   Hair Matters.

 Your hair sets a tone.  Sometimes that tone is, “I’m a whore,” or “I’m boring,” or “ I’m lazy.”

Whatever you do, your hair should be shiny, groomed and ideally, be styled. A ponytail everyday is a problem. Fast and loose everyday is a problem.  Not trimming split ends is a problem. Overgrown roots are a problem. Invest in a comb. Do it.

5.   Attitude is Everything.

 Okay, it’s not really everything.  Appearance matters (If that’s news to you, you should have stopped reading a long time ago).  This doesn’t mean you have to be society's notion of pretty, just be put-together (see 1-4).  But attitude counts. You can be outwardly attractive and have a bad attitude that makes you ugly.

Bottom line: Don’t be a bitch.  It’s not a good look.

Go forth and be less ugly!